Carmelo Seeks Advice of Marbury

27 Mar

Be careful what you wish for.  After refusing to sign a three-year, $65 million dollar extension with the Denver Nuggets, the Nuggets granted Carmelo Anthony his request by sending him to the New York Knicks in a blockbuster seven-player trade.  Since the trade, the Nuggets have flourished sharing the ball and playing team defense. Meanwhile, the Knicks have floundered.

‘Melo has struggled to find his role in Mike D’Antoni’s uptempo style system and might be finding the burden of the New York microscope heavier than expected.  After a recent loss to the Milwaukee Bucks, Carmelo decided to ignore the media all together, hiding on the bus and leaving Amare Stoudemire to answer questions for him.

Not at all used to scrutiny or criticism, ‘Melo told the media he turned to a notorious former Knick for some advice, Stephon Marbury.  “Marbury has really helped me deal with the pressure of New York,” ‘Melo said.  “He told me I need to pout more, be more surly with the media.”

Various members of the press and Knicks beat-writers began to laugh, thinking ‘Melo was yanking their chain.  He was not.

“I’m serious.  Y’all can suck on my boney macaroni.”  Carmelo then stormed off the stage, punching a woman in the face and drop-kicking a baby on his way out.

The New York media did not offer help to the assaulted woman or baby, instead breaking for lunch.

BYU Loses, Jimmer Fredette Ready for Sex Party

25 Mar

Jimmer ready to rock out with his Jimmer.

The Brigham Young University men’s basketball team saw their Elite 8 hopes dashed in last night’s overtime loss to the Florida Gators.  In a back and forth battle between the 2nd and 3rd seeds of the Southeast bracket, Florida finally used their size down low to pull away in overtime and win 83-74.

BYU’s star guard, Jimmer Fredette finished with a game high 32 points, but was rendered mostly ineffective as he shot 11 of 29 from the field, and a dismal 3 of 15 behind the arc.

When asked about the game and his shooting, Fredette replied, “I’ve had a great time here at BYU, but the sexual tension induced by our honor code was just too much for me in this final game.  My balls feel like a ton of bricks, and I just couldn’t compensate my shot for the weight in my sack.”

When asked what was next for Fredette, his mood seemed to chipper.  “I’m definitely going to throw a few mad orgies now that I won’t be kicked off the team.    I plan on hitting more ass than Wilt the Stilt.  You can call me ‘Magic Johnson’ from here on out.”

Jim Calhoun: Constipated or Sith Lord?

24 Mar

Coach Calhoun force chokes a referee.

University of Connecticut head coach Jim Calhoun was not present for the start of a recent practice prepping UConn for a Sweet 16 matchup with San Diego State.  School officials first claimed that Calhoun was battling a nasty case of constipation.  After getting word of the news, Calhoun informed the media the story was false.

Calhoun entered the press conference wearing a full length robe, his face mostly hidden from underneath.  After several minutes of maniacal laughter, Calhoun pulled down his hood to reveal the startling resemblance to Emperor Palpatine.  He made it clear that while he was extremely constipated, he had missed the start of practice due to his commitment to slaughtering Jedi and destroying the Rebel Alliance.

When asked by a San Diego State beat-reporter how he would attack SDSU’s vaunted frontline, Calhoun replied, “Come, boy, see for yourself. From here, you will witness the final destruction of the Alliance and the end of your insignificant rebellion.”  He then proceeded to shoot electric bolts into the reporter.

No more questions were asked.

Wade Regrets Recruiting Lebron

23 Mar


The Miami Heat are only three games out of first place in the Eastern Conference and have already eclipsed last year’s win total, but that doesn’t mean all is well in South Beach.

In shocking news, Dwayne Wade recently admitted regretting his decision to recruit Lebron James to the Miami Heat.  “ I really regret it, man.  I used to be the man at the local BK, but now all they do is just ask where King James is.  Hello, King James is a McDonald’s sponsor!  He doesn’t want to eat no stacker.  Now only Arby’s comps my meals, but who the heck wants to eat at Arby’s?”

When asked if he regrets recruiting Chris Bosh, Wade replied, “Who’s Chris Bosh?”

Chicago Cubs Fans At It Again

22 Mar

Chicago Cubs fans can’t wait to get the season started, once again believing this is the year for their abysmal franchise to find success in the postseason and bring home their first World Series title since 1908.

Outside the Cubby Bear in Wrigleyville, Cub fans show their support and prove their idiocy by gathering to watch the Cubs lose another meaningless Spring League game.   Lifelong Cubs fan Derek Bogseth explains his hopes for the season.  “This is our year and shit.  Go Cubs.  Chug, chug, chug!”  When asked what he and other Cub fans were smoking, Bogseth replied, “Real good shit.”

Other Cubs’ fans gave responses but were too inebriated to comprehend.

Bruce Pearl Fired, Second Job Lined Up

22 Mar

Ex-Tennessee head basketball coach Bruce Pearl isn’t sweating finding a new job in this tough economy.  After school officials let him know of his release following his teams blowout first round loss to Michigan, Pearl appeared relieved with the news.

“I’ve had a lot of great times at Tennessee and the university treated me great, but it was hard to land blue-chip prospects at Tennessee.  I broke as many rules as I could to land blue-chip prospects, but still, none of them wanted to come to a university with such a gross looking female population.”

When asked about his future employment, Pearl said he would be calling an old friend.

“I’ll relax for a week or two and then be ready to jump back in the fire.  I’m going to call an old friend and employer, Delicious Slick, and see if I can start pimping ho’s again.  Once a pimp, always a pimp.”

Mark Sanchez Doesn’t Understand NFL Lockout

22 Mar

The latest NFL news from the Player’s Association about de-unionization is an attempt to let owners know they are dead set about kicking off football Labor Day weekeend.  Most players seem to be supporting the news, but New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez seems befuddled with the announcement.

“I’m pretty sure I knew we had a union, but a player’s association?  Man, get me up in that because I spit molasses thick game.  I can bag more teens than Beiber.” Sanchez said.  When told of the probable lockout, Sanchez replied, “If we get locked out, I’m pretty sure the owners have an extra set of keys to the stadium.  If not, I have a buddy who can pick locks.”

Sanchez recently scored a 58 on an IQ test.